1. A logician’s wife is having a baby.  The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad.  His wife asks him impatiently: “So, is it a boy or a girl?”  The logician replies: “Yes.”
2. Two scientists walk into a bar.  The first one says “I’ll have some H2O.”  The second says “I’ll have some H2O too.”  The second scientist dies.
3. Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey tea?  Because all proper tea is theft.
4. Two kittens on a sloped roof.  Which one slides off first?  The one with the lowest mew.
5. A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus.  “You mean a martini?” the bartender asks.  The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!”
6. There are only two hard things in Computer Science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
7. It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
8. Entropy isn’t what it used to be.
9. Higgs Boson walks into a church and the priest says “we don’t allow Higgs Bosons in here.”  The Higgs Boson then replied “but without me, how could you have mass?”
10. A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says “make me one with everything.”
11. Why do engineers confuse Halloween and Christmas?  Because Oct 31 = Dec 25
12. Three logicians walk into a bar.  The bartender asks “Do all of you want a drink?”  The first logician says “I don’t know.”  The second logician says “I don’t know.”  The third logician says “Yes!”
13. Heisenberg was speeding down the highway.  A cop pulls him over and says “Son, do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?”  Heisenberg said, “No, but I knew where I was.”
14. Einstein, Newton and Pascal were playing hide and go seek.  It’s Einstein’s turn to count so he covers his eyes and starts counting to ten.  Pascal runs off and hides.  Newton draws a one meter by one meter square on the ground in front of Einstein then stands in the middle of it.  Einstein reaches ten and uncovers his eyes.  He sees Newton immediately and exclaims “Newton!  I found you!  You’re it!”  Newton smiles and says “You didn’t find me, you found a Newton over a square meter.  You found a Pascal!”
15. Helium walks into a bar and orders a bar.  The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve noble gasses here.”  He doesn’t react.
16. Idi you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero?  He’s 0K now.
17. The programmer’s wife tells him: “Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread.  If they have eggs, get a dozen.”  The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
18. There’s a band called 1-23MB.  They haven’t had any gigs yet.
19. Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French café, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness.  He says to the waitress, “I’d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.”  The waitress replies, “I’m sorry, Monsieur, but we’re out of cream.  How about with no milk?”
20. How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?  Ask them to pronounce unionized.
21. What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

Today I watched “Quest for Fire.”  Because I had fans and a humidifier on, I opted to turn on closed captioning.  Now, think about that for a second… I’ll wait…

The captioning was both useless and hilarious. All I saw were phrases like “Awk quarg oot!” or notations like “prehistoric language” or “hopeful grunting.”  It may have made the movie better.

Dogs don’t get sarcasm.  Every day, I tell my dog that he’s my favorite dog.  Every day, he believes me.  I only have one dog, I’m allergic to him, and he’s kind of a jerk.  He’s only my favorite because I own no other dog.